So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
