Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
