Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
