I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize