I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
