No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you would pick up someone in the library
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
