Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Farmville is her only friend.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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