I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
