i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
