he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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