i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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