Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
