Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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