He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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