So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
