i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
