Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
