I am spending my child support on dildos
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
