my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
