1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
