so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
