This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
