oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
