If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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