Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
