dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
