Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
