we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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