What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she pinky promised me she was 18
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
