my text book just quoted the cookie monster
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
