Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
