she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
