I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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