i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
