i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
