went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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