i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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