the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize