Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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