I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
