Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
