I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
