you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
