I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
