Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
