Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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