god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
