Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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