Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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