I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
