You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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