The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
