I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
