I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
