I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
