I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
