love makes seman taste better
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
