Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
