I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
