the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just forgot I was standing up.
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