I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
