Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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