I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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