Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
