Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
